CLEVINGER ON TRIAL!!!

Cadet Clevinger had been accused for stumbling while marching to class, breaking ranks while in formation, felonious assault, rebellious behaviors, mopery, high treason, provocative behavior, being an intellectual, listening to classical music, and more highly atrocious crimes, was on trial today. Facing a judgement panel of Lieutenant Scheisskopf (his accuser), an unidentified colonel with an unusually fat mustache, and Major Metcalf. Clevinger was stated to already be insolent throughout the trial from the start of the it, interrupting, refusing to say "sir" when speaking, asking too much questions, mumbling, trying to pressure the judges, refusing to answer questions, and other disobedient acts.  The colonel also rebuked Major Metcalf and me for being idiotic. Clevinger was sentenced to fifty-seven punishment tours (fifty minutes of a weekend hour spent by pacing back and forth in front of the provost marshal's building with a heavy unloaded rifle on his shoulder), I was locked up for a day to be taught a lesson, and Metcalf was sent to the Solomon Islands to bury dead bodies. As the corporal documenting the trial, I have the whole dialogue of the trial written below:

Written by Corporal Popinjay

"What did you mean," the colonel inquired, "when you said we couldn't punish you?"

"When, sir?"

"I'm asking the questions. You're answering them."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Did you think we brought you here to ask questions and for me to answer them?"

"No, sir. I--"

"What did we bring you here for?"

"To answer questions."

"You're goddamn right," said the colonel. "Now suppose you start answering some before I break your goddamn head. Just what the hell did you mean, you bast---, when you said we couldn't punish you?"

"I don't think I ever made that statement, sir."

"Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Will you speak up, please? He couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Metcalf."

"Sir?"

"Didn't I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then keep your stupid mouth shut when I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut. Do you understand? Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Metcalf, is that your foot I'm stepping on?"

"No, sir. It must be Lieutenant Scheisskopf's foot."

"It isn't my foot," said Lieutenant Scheisskopf.

"Them maybe it is my foot after all," said Major Metcalf.

"Move it."

"Yes, sir. You'll have to move your foot first, colonel. It's on top of mine."

"Are you telling me to move my foot?"

"No, sir. Oh, no, sir."

"Then move your foot and keep your stupid mouth shut. Will you speak up, please? I still couldn't hear you.

"Yes, sir. I said that I didn't say that you couldn't punish me."

"Just what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm answering your question, sir."

"What question?"

"'Just what the hell did you mean, you bast---, when you said we couldn't punish you?'" said I

"All right," said the colonel. "Just what the hell DID you mean?"

"I didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir."

"When?" asked the colonel.

"When what, sir?"

"Now you're asking me the questions again."

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm afraid I don't understand your question."

"When didn't you say we couldn't punish you? Don't you understand my question?"

"No, sir. I don't understand."

"You've just told us that. Now suppose you answer my question."

"But how can I answer it?"

"That's another question you're asking me."

"I'm sorry, sir. But I don't know how to answer it. I never said you couldn't punish me."

"Now you're telling us when you did say it. I'm asking you to tell us when you didn't say it."

Clevinger, taking a deep breath, said, "I always didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir."

"That's much better, Mr. Clevinger, even though it is a barefaced lie. Last night in the latrine. Didn't you whisper that we couldn't punish you to that other dirty son of a bit-- we don't like? What's his name?"

"Yossarian, sir." Lieutenant Scheisskopf said.

"Yes, Yossarian. That's right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of name is Yossarian?"

 "It's Yossarian's name, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf explained.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Didn't you whisper to Yossarian that we couldn't punish you?"

"Oh, no, sir. I whispered to him that you couldn't find me guilty--"

"I may be stupid," interrupted the colonel, "but the distinction escapes me. I guess I AM pretty stupid, because the distinction escapes me."

"W--"

"You're a windy son of a bit--, aren't you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you're giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking you for clarification. You are a windy son of a bit--, aren't you?"

"No, sir."

"NO, sir? Are you calling me a goddamn liar?"

"Oh, no, sir."

"Then you're a windy son of a bit--, aren't you?"

"No, sir."

"Are you trying to pick a fight with me?"'

"No, sir."

"Are you a windy son of a bit--?"

"No, sir."

"Goddammit, you ARE trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I'd jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb."

"Do it! Do it!" cried Major Metcalf.

"Metcalf, you stinking son of a bit--. Didn't I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly, stupid mouth shut?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Then suppose YOU do it."

"I was only trying to learn, sir. The only way a person can learn is by trying."

"Who says so?"

"Everybody says so, sir. Even Lieutenant Scheisskopf says so."

"Do you say so?"

"Yes, sir," said Lieutenant Scheisskopf. "But everybody says so."

"Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that's the way you'll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line."

"'Read me back the last line,'" I read

"Not MY last line, stupid!" the colonel shouted. "Somebody else's."

"'Read me back the last line,'" I read back.

"That's MY last line again!" shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger.

"Oh, no, sir," I corrected. "That's MY last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don't you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago."

"Oh, my God! Read me back HIS last line, stupid. Say, what the hell's your name, anyway?"

"Popinjay, sir."

"Well, you're next Popinjay. As soon as his trial ends, your trial begins. Get it?"

"Yes, sir. What will I be charged with?"

"What the hell of a difference does that make? Did you hear what he asked me? You're going to learn, Popinjay -- the moment we finish with Clevinger you're going to learn. Cadet Clevinger, what did-- You are Cadet Clevinger, aren't you, and not Popinjay?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. What did--"

"I'm Popinjay, sir."

"Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?"

"No, sir."

"Then you're up sh-- creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He's not a general or a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he?"

"No, sir."

"That's good. What does you father do?"

"He's dead, sir."

"That's VERY good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay. Is Popinjay really your name? What the hell kind of a name is Popinjay, anyway? I don't like it."

"It's Popinjay's name, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf explained.

"Well, I don't like it, Popinjay, and I just can't wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb. Cadet Clevinger, will you please repeat what the hell it was you did or didn't whisper to Yossarian late last night in the latrine?"

"Yes, sir. I said that you couldn't find me guilty--"

"We'll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn't find you guilty."

"I didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir."

"When?

"When what, sir?"

"Goddammit, are you going to start pumping me again?"

"No, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Then answer the question. When didn't you say we couldn't find you guilty?"

"Last night in the latrine, sir."

"Is that the only time you didn't say it?"

"No, sir. I always didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir. What I did say to Yossarian was--"

"Nobody asked you what you did say to Yossarian. We asked you what you didn't say to him. We're not at all interested in what you did say to Yossarian. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then we'll go on. What did you say to Yossarian?"

"I said to him, sir, that you couldn't find me guilty of the offense with which I am charged and still be faithful to the cause of..."

"Of what? You're mumbling."

"Stop mumbling."

"Yes, sir."

"And mumble 'sir' when you do."

"Metcalf, you bast---!"

"Yes, sir," mumbled Clevinger. "Of justice, sir. That you couldn't find--"

"Justice?" The colonel was astounded. "What is justice?"

"Justice, sir--"

"That's not what justice is," the colonel jeered. "That's what Karl Marx is. I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That's what justice is when we've all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight Billy Petrolle. From the hip. Get it?"

"No, sir."

"Don't sir me!"

"Yes, sir."

"And say 'sir' when you don't," ordered Major Metcalf.