ORR LIVES!!!

After crashing his aircraft, Orr has washed ashore in the cost of Sweden after weeks and weeks oat sea. Captain Yossarian and I think that Orr rowed all the way there in a yellow raft through the Straits of Gibraltar with his tiny blue oar, eating raw codfish till he reached Sweden and serving himself tea in the afternoon. I think that he is the perfect example of human perseverance, influencing me to persevere as well. Yossarian thinks that since Orr has crash landed every mission, that he was preparing for his "getaway" the whole time, practicing how to get shot down and to escape unscathed. Because of this, Yossarian told Major Danby and me on how he was ditching the military and going to run away to Sweden, even though the military was going to do a lot to catch him and put him back in jail. Major Danby was very concerned on how Yossarian was going to perform the escape, thinking it was insane. Meanwhile, I was excited because I decided I would triumph over General Peckem, General Scheisskopf, Colonel Korn, and colonel Cathcart. I was happy that Yossarian was going to start a new life in Sweden, possibly with Orr.Yossarian hoped to go to Rome, save a young kid, and go to Sweden. Major Danby started helping Yossarian, saying that he wouldn't stop Yossarian, advising him, and giving him supplies for the great, risky journey Yossarian was about to embark on. After saying farewell, Yossarian dodged Nately's girlfriend's knife as she hid behind the doorway and sped towards Rome. Major Danby and I, wishing him good luck and Godspeed, started our new lives.

Written by Chaplain A.T. Tappman

SNOWDEN'S SECRET!!!

"Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden’s secret. Drop him out a window and he’ll fall. Set fire to him and he’ll burn. Bury him and he’ll rot, like other kinds of garbage. That was Snowden’s secret. Ripeness was all." 

Remember when Snowden died. It was a sad, sad day. He kept on whimpering,"I'm cold." while I consoled back,"There, there." He died in my arms after that plane accident where Dobbs' airplane was hit by heavy anti-aircraft fire and flak.. But through this experience, I have learned that without his spirit, man is already dead. He can't live. He is just matter without soul. You could do anything you wanted to him and it would happen. You had to live with your spirit. You had to make sure it didn't fade away. Man is nothing without its spirit. Even though god created pain and danger, I sure am glad he created the spirit, so we could actually be alive. I have realized that I am acting without my spirit. Becoming Colonel Korn and Colonel Cathcart's friend just so I could be rich, famous, and back home, instead of facing a court martial. I'll either fly the missions that I have been scared of all this time or maybe even desert the army. I will not like two wicked colonels that I have never and will never like. I live a true life instead of a false, spiritless life. This memory that has used to haunt me all this time shall become my new essence. Ripeness is all.

Written by Captain Yossarian

YOSSARIAN STOPS NAZI ASSASSIN!!!

Leaving his best friends Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn, Yossarian walks back to his tent. But seeing that a mysterious man hiding and looking at the colonels, Yossarian discovers that he is a NAZI ASSASSIN who is trying to kill both colonels. He grapples with the assassin, doing everything he can to prevent the assassin from killing his two best friends. But unfortunately, the assassin stabs him with the knife and Yossarian falls to the ground, unconscious. But the colonels see the assassin, overpowering and frightening him. Because of the brave, strong captain who sacrificed himself, the two colonels are saved.!

YOSSARIAN BEFRIENDS HIS ENEMIES!!!

After back from my travel in Rome, I returned back to our camp, where I found myself sitting in front of Colonel Cathcart's desk. After sitting down, Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn said one of the wondrous statements that I had ever heard: "We're sending you home." noticing that it was probably too good to be true. There had to be a catch: Catch-22, which they stated that there was. It would be unfair to let Yossarian leave for refusing to fly missions and keep the other men stuck in the camp. Cathcart then stated of how much he would like to tie me up and throw me off aboard a plane every mission. I blamed them for raising the amount of missions needed to complete service, while they blamed me for refusing to fly them. But to stop the dispute, the colonels formed a deal that would allow me to go home: If I liked and befriended the colonels, they would send me home, make me a hero, make me a rich man, even have parades in my honor. They would tell the press on how brave and valiant I was and make me idolized by the public. They said that i could either befriend them and go home or face a court martial. Opting for the best, I chose to befriend them although I knew it wouldn't be that easy. We started treating each other like best buds. But when I left, I saluted a familiar looking private, who saluted me and lunged forward to stab me. It was Nately's girlfriend, who was mad at me for letting Nately die and wanted to kill me. As I tried to run away, she stabbed me and I fell to the floor, unconscious. Luckily, my two new best friends, Cathcart and Korn, frightened away Nately's girlfriend and prevented he from killing me.

Written by Captain Yossarian

CHAPLAIN A.T. TAPPMAN'S TRIAL

Today, Chaplain A.T. Tappman has been on trial for doing crimes the judges do not know about yet, being Washington Irving, and censoring letters of officers and enlisted men with capricious liberties. His trial was held by an officer with no insignia, an unidentified major, and an obese colonel. Throughout the trial, the chaplain was arguing, constantly showing his anger, complaining, and lying. In the end, he pleaded innocent, but was found guilty. He has not been sentenced yet because the panel of judges is still thinking of the type of punishment he deserved. But he has been ordered to take a walk.

Written by Panel of Judges

UPDATE: TWELVE MEN KILLED IN MISSION!!!

On a dangerous mission undergone today, twelve men had been killed by Germans towing a disabled Italian cruiser. Two were destroyed in mid air- the planes of Nately and Dobbs. Dobbs' plane skidded his plane and smashed into the other plane's and destroyed its tail. Dobbs' plane lost one of its wings, and soon both planes plummeted into the sea and sank. Please pay respect to these two men and the others who were killed.

Written by Colonel Cathcart

MOUNTAIN VILLAGE BOMBED!!!

"They won't even take shelter," Dunbar argued bitterly. "They'll pour out into the streets to wave when they see our planes coming, all the children and dogs and old people. Jesus Christ! Why can't we leave them alone?" 

We were discussing our next mission, which was to bomb a village in a path that German tanks were taking to create a roadblock that the Germans would have to clear, with Major Danby. The mission was so cruel , selfish, and inhumane. We were going to bomb a peaceful village that had done nothing to us! We were supposed to save innocent lives, not kill them! When we talked about the cruelty of the mission to Colonel Korn, he said that it would be cruel to let the German troops fight the American soldiers. When Dunbar suggested creating a roadblock somewhere else, Korn threatened to send us to Bologna, which was harsh, something we would never want to do again. Soon we where sent to bomb the village. Yossarian just mindlessly dropped bombs, but I dropped them hundreds of yards away from the village, so they wouldn't be harmed. I would probably face a court-martial. As for Yossarian, he was stuck with McWatt, who was doing tricks with the plane while singing, and a new bombardier. Eventually Yossarian threatened to kill McWatt with his .45 and luckily landed. The operation was gruesome, but luckily we lived and landed safely.

Written by Dunbar

YOSSARIAN LOSES HIS BALLS!

We were flying and bombarding the city of Leghorn, when flak starts coming out of nowhere. We were hit heavily, and even worse, Yossarian was hit. He started bleeding from his thigh, and soon blood was expanding all over his body. Even though he yelled at Captain Aardvark (Aarfy) to help him, Aarfy pretended that he didn't hear Yossarian and left him to bleed. They got into a conflict, which made Yossarian faint. I quickly attended to him, giving him morphine whenever he moaned. After a long time, Yossarian woke up and asked,"Who's minding the store?". Thankful that he was alive, I told him of how worried Nately was, how he thought Yossarian was dead because of his cut artery. When Yossarian started whining for more morphine, I gave him despite the restrictions. We finally took him to the hospital. That was one of the most frightening situations that I had ever been in. I'm glad it ended rather well.

Written by McWatt.

THE HORRIBLE SPREAD OF M&M ENTERPRISES!!!

In the beginning, M&M Enterprises prospered and everybody got a share. From the colonel in Sardinia with a craving for tangerines and casaba melons to the B-17 general with a yearning for Polish sausage. They just had to give a plane and pilot for each mess hall with a small down payment. The business did business with everywhere and everybody in Europe, even the Germans. He just refused to do business with the Russians. Planes flew from Norway, Denmark, France, Germany, Austria, Italy, Yugoslavia, Romania, Bulgaria, Sweden, Finland, Poland, and all of the other countries in Europe. The planes had passage everywhere, but unfortunately did contracts with various militaries. For example, the enterprise contracted with the Americans to bomb the German highway bridge at Orvieto. But even worse, Milo contracted with the GERMANS to defend Orvieto with anti-aircraft fire AGAINST HIS OWN ARMY!!! As a result, Milo's company attained a large profit. both militaries were fine with the approach, except the dead man that had lived in Yossarian's tent, perished at this battle. However, Milo denies helping the enemy. But because Milo had stupidly bought the whole Egyptian cotton crop, his enterprise was on the verge of collapse. But Milo then took it too far: he committed heavy treason. He contracted with the GERMANS and BOMBED HIS OWN OUTFIT, the Americans. Milo got away with the crime again using his rhetoric and bribery, of course. But he went crazy because of his overstock of Egyptian cotton, and started serving chocolate covered Egyptian cotton. At least everybody got a share.

Written by Captain Yossarian

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YOSSARIAN!!(?)!

"A moment ago there had been no Yossarians in his life; now they were multiplying like hobgoblins. He tried to make himself grow calm. Yossarian was not a common name; perhaps there were not really three Yossarians but only two Yossarians, or maybe even only one Yossarian – but that really made no difference! The colonel was still in grave peril. Intuition warned him that he was drawing close to some immense and inscrutable cosmic climax, and his broad, meaty, towering frame tingled from head to toe at the thought that Yossarian, whoever he would turn out to be, was destined to serve as his nemesis."

 That Yossarian is a pain in the neck! After hearing his dreaded name from the chaplain, I haven't relaxed since. This man is threatening to rebel against the sixty missions I just ordered my men to fly. Also, another man named Yossarian stood naked in his ranks when he was receiving his Distinguished Flying Cross from General Dreedle himself! A man named Yossarian also got a medal for flying around a target twice! There are three Yossarians! I suspect that Yossarian was the one who moved the bomb line in bologna. To remind myself of the Yossarian situation, I wrote his name and used punctuation to show all of the trouble caused by him:

Yossarian! ! ! (?) !

His name is like his character, full of esses. His name is like subversive, seditious, insidious, socialist, suspicious, fascist, and communist. I have now made a list of all of the crimes of Yossarian. He has even had me reconsidering whether the men should fly 60 missions, since that was a little too much. I must eliminate this man or he shall become my greatest nemesis and prevent me from achieving the position of a general which is what I deserve.

Written by Colonel Cathcart

THANKSGIVING???

"And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways," Yossarian continued. … "There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?"

Last Thanksgiving, I had an intellectual conversation with Lieutenant Scheisskopf's wife about God. She was as good as an atheist as me, but she still thinks there is a great deal that we have to be thankful for. Well, I definitely object. There's nothing in life to be thankful for. For every good part of life, a bad part counters it. God could have made this world a hell of a lot better, but he didn't. He made this crap we call the world. If your're happy that you're healthy, you should be bitter that you aren't going to stay that way. If you're glad you are alive, you should be furious that you're eventually going to die. Oh, I'm certainly happy he created pain. He could have used a doorbell or a choir of angels to notify us for doing something that involves pain. Rather than rewarding us with this life, God created this torturous line full of agony and danger. I would rather be dead than be alive in this world. Scheisskopf's wife soon got extremely mad at me, eventually crying and beating my head with her fists, saying that the god she didn't believe in was a good and merciful God, not the mean and stupid one I thought he was. That Thanksgiving sure was illogical. But this Thanksgiving, when I was pretending to b dying, so I could be in the hospital, my parents and brother came to see me. It was gruesome, as I had to lie to them, while they called me Giuseppe instead of Yossarian and talked about the fact that I was going to die very soon. My father said when I would talk to God in heaven, I should tell him that is isn't right for people to die so young. My brother said I shouldn't let anybody push me around in heaven because I was as good as them even though I was Italian. My mother said to dress warm. It truly was one of the saddest Thanksgivings i had experienced.

Written by Captain Yossarian

BOLOGNA IS BOMBED!!!

On the mission to bomb Bologna, we circled the city once, but turned back due to the defective intercom of the planes. Once we got back, Captain Pilchard and Captain Wren told us that the last bombing was a milk run, and wasn't bombed effectively, so our crew has to go back to bomb Bologna. On the last milk run, there was no anti-aircraft fire, so we thought today would be as easy as it was yesterday. Wrong. We walked into a fury of anti-aircraft fire and flak. Captain Yossarian was trembling heavily and ferociously yelling out orders through the intercom at me: making me turn and climb as high as the plane could. In the background, I could hear Yossarian telling Captain Aardvark to get out of the nose and in the ship. Soot and smoke was everywhere. Yossarian told me to dive and get away from the mess, as he was fighting and punching Aardvark. It was snowing bits of paper all around us. Flak was making the bomber fly horribly, but when I made a hard left turn that took us out of the action, out of range and away from the booming guns. but, many men following our bomber perished in the incident. Bombers were destroyed and explosions erupted. It truly had been a horrible experience as well as an unsuccessful mission.

Written by McWatt

BOLOGNA!!!

We had recently learned from Captain Black that we were going to fly a mission in Bologna, meaning one thing only: inevitable death. In Pianosa, we hoped that it would never stop raining. When it stopped raining in Pianosa, that meant it would rain heavily in Bologna. When it rained in Pianosa, there was no rain in Bologna. Usually, when there was no rain in Pianosa, events like diarrhea epidemics and moving bomb lines. Even though they suffered from the rain in Pianosa, the men still pray for it to keep on raining. Unfortunately, in the morning, the rain wasn't falling as hard. Soon it was hardly falling, while the sun dried the landing strip. The sky became cloudless and the sun shined on. Soon, our men started to be full of hatred towards each other, the infantrymen for not capturing the Bologna and the bomb line. Thankfully, I had learned from intelligence that Bologna had been captured by our troops at Bologna. I stealthily woke up Captain Black and notified him of the capture of Bologna, so he contacted Colonel Korn and informed him about the victory. Korn cancelled the mission, and we were all relieved that we didn't have to go to bologna. Colonel Cathcart was extremely happy that we had finally captured Bologna. General Dreedle was also content of the victory even though he rebuked Colonel Moodus for not telling him earlier. Even better, Headquarters was pleased was supposed to give a medal to the officer who captured the city, but since there was none, they gave the medal to General Peckem. But today, our troops are overjoyed at the victory at dreaded Bologna.

Written by Corporal Kolodny

C.I.D ISSUES

Today, a C.I.D man disguised as a pilot visited me. I knew he was a C.I.D. man because he already told my men that he was a C.I.D. man and told them to not reveal his identity. Despite this, Sergeant Towser told me that there was a C.I.D. man coming to me. I told the investigator about this, who immediately was alarmed and decided that he would perform a security check on him. he even urged me to hide any important documents away from him. Afterwards, the man showed me copies of censored documents from the hospital with Washington Irving or Irving Washington written as a signature, which was very peculiar because I have no men called Washington Irving or Irving Washington. Disappointed, thinking that the suspect was very clever and that he was using a hidden third name. After ruffling through his papers, he comes up with a document the group chaplain's name, A.T. Tappman, at the bottom, making the C.I.D. man suspect that it was the group chaplain. Luckily, I told him that somebody probably forged the chaplain's signature to escape detection. The investigator the checked with me one last time over the documents. But before leaving, he told me that he suspected that Sergeant Towser was going though communications addressed to me. After leaving, another C.I.D. man in red pajamas jumped into my office, and demanded to know who the other C.I.D. man was, which I replied that he was a C.I.D. man. Stating that he was the only C.I.D. man here, the C.i.D. man told me about his sickness and interrogated me on the same matter of Washington Irving in documents. Being helpful, I told him that the previous C.I.D. man was talking about Irving. He glowed, bidding me farewell, saying that he would consult his superiors. I was about to ease up and relax, but the C.I.D. man who had came before rushed in, asking if a man in red pajamas came in and say anything about Washington Irving. When I answered that he did and was located in the hospital as a very sick man, he excitedly said that he would go after him disguised as a patient. So Washington Irving or Irving Washington, you better watch out because two C.I.D. men are after you and will stop at nothing to get you.

Written by Major Major Major Major

CLEVINGER ON TRIAL!!!

Cadet Clevinger had been accused for stumbling while marching to class, breaking ranks while in formation, felonious assault, rebellious behaviors, mopery, high treason, provocative behavior, being an intellectual, listening to classical music, and more highly atrocious crimes, was on trial today. Facing a judgement panel of Lieutenant Scheisskopf (his accuser), an unidentified colonel with an unusually fat mustache, and Major Metcalf. Clevinger was stated to already be insolent throughout the trial from the start of the it, interrupting, refusing to say "sir" when speaking, asking too much questions, mumbling, trying to pressure the judges, refusing to answer questions, and other disobedient acts.  The colonel also rebuked Major Metcalf and me for being idiotic. Clevinger was sentenced to fifty-seven punishment tours (fifty minutes of a weekend hour spent by pacing back and forth in front of the provost marshal's building with a heavy unloaded rifle on his shoulder), I was locked up for a day to be taught a lesson, and Metcalf was sent to the Solomon Islands to bury dead bodies. As the corporal documenting the trial, I have the whole dialogue of the trial written below:

Written by Corporal Popinjay

"What did you mean," the colonel inquired, "when you said we couldn't punish you?"

"When, sir?"

"I'm asking the questions. You're answering them."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Did you think we brought you here to ask questions and for me to answer them?"

"No, sir. I--"

"What did we bring you here for?"

"To answer questions."

"You're goddamn right," said the colonel. "Now suppose you start answering some before I break your goddamn head. Just what the hell did you mean, you bast---, when you said we couldn't punish you?"

"I don't think I ever made that statement, sir."

"Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Will you speak up, please? He couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Metcalf."

"Sir?"

"Didn't I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then keep your stupid mouth shut when I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut. Do you understand? Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you."

"Yes, sir. I--"

"Metcalf, is that your foot I'm stepping on?"

"No, sir. It must be Lieutenant Scheisskopf's foot."

"It isn't my foot," said Lieutenant Scheisskopf.

"Them maybe it is my foot after all," said Major Metcalf.

"Move it."

"Yes, sir. You'll have to move your foot first, colonel. It's on top of mine."

"Are you telling me to move my foot?"

"No, sir. Oh, no, sir."

"Then move your foot and keep your stupid mouth shut. Will you speak up, please? I still couldn't hear you.

"Yes, sir. I said that I didn't say that you couldn't punish me."

"Just what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm answering your question, sir."

"What question?"

"'Just what the hell did you mean, you bast---, when you said we couldn't punish you?'" said I

"All right," said the colonel. "Just what the hell DID you mean?"

"I didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir."

"When?" asked the colonel.

"When what, sir?"

"Now you're asking me the questions again."

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm afraid I don't understand your question."

"When didn't you say we couldn't punish you? Don't you understand my question?"

"No, sir. I don't understand."

"You've just told us that. Now suppose you answer my question."

"But how can I answer it?"

"That's another question you're asking me."

"I'm sorry, sir. But I don't know how to answer it. I never said you couldn't punish me."

"Now you're telling us when you did say it. I'm asking you to tell us when you didn't say it."

Clevinger, taking a deep breath, said, "I always didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir."

"That's much better, Mr. Clevinger, even though it is a barefaced lie. Last night in the latrine. Didn't you whisper that we couldn't punish you to that other dirty son of a bit-- we don't like? What's his name?"

"Yossarian, sir." Lieutenant Scheisskopf said.

"Yes, Yossarian. That's right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of name is Yossarian?"

 "It's Yossarian's name, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf explained.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Didn't you whisper to Yossarian that we couldn't punish you?"

"Oh, no, sir. I whispered to him that you couldn't find me guilty--"

"I may be stupid," interrupted the colonel, "but the distinction escapes me. I guess I AM pretty stupid, because the distinction escapes me."

"W--"

"You're a windy son of a bit--, aren't you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you're giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking you for clarification. You are a windy son of a bit--, aren't you?"

"No, sir."

"NO, sir? Are you calling me a goddamn liar?"

"Oh, no, sir."

"Then you're a windy son of a bit--, aren't you?"

"No, sir."

"Are you trying to pick a fight with me?"'

"No, sir."

"Are you a windy son of a bit--?"

"No, sir."

"Goddammit, you ARE trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I'd jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb."

"Do it! Do it!" cried Major Metcalf.

"Metcalf, you stinking son of a bit--. Didn't I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly, stupid mouth shut?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Then suppose YOU do it."

"I was only trying to learn, sir. The only way a person can learn is by trying."

"Who says so?"

"Everybody says so, sir. Even Lieutenant Scheisskopf says so."

"Do you say so?"

"Yes, sir," said Lieutenant Scheisskopf. "But everybody says so."

"Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that's the way you'll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line."

"'Read me back the last line,'" I read

"Not MY last line, stupid!" the colonel shouted. "Somebody else's."

"'Read me back the last line,'" I read back.

"That's MY last line again!" shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger.

"Oh, no, sir," I corrected. "That's MY last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don't you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago."

"Oh, my God! Read me back HIS last line, stupid. Say, what the hell's your name, anyway?"

"Popinjay, sir."

"Well, you're next Popinjay. As soon as his trial ends, your trial begins. Get it?"

"Yes, sir. What will I be charged with?"

"What the hell of a difference does that make? Did you hear what he asked me? You're going to learn, Popinjay -- the moment we finish with Clevinger you're going to learn. Cadet Clevinger, what did-- You are Cadet Clevinger, aren't you, and not Popinjay?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. What did--"

"I'm Popinjay, sir."

"Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?"

"No, sir."

"Then you're up sh-- creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He's not a general or a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he?"

"No, sir."

"That's good. What does you father do?"

"He's dead, sir."

"That's VERY good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay. Is Popinjay really your name? What the hell kind of a name is Popinjay, anyway? I don't like it."

"It's Popinjay's name, sir," Lieutenant Scheisskopf explained.

"Well, I don't like it, Popinjay, and I just can't wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb. Cadet Clevinger, will you please repeat what the hell it was you did or didn't whisper to Yossarian late last night in the latrine?"

"Yes, sir. I said that you couldn't find me guilty--"

"We'll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn't find you guilty."

"I didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir."

"When?

"When what, sir?"

"Goddammit, are you going to start pumping me again?"

"No, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Then answer the question. When didn't you say we couldn't find you guilty?"

"Last night in the latrine, sir."

"Is that the only time you didn't say it?"

"No, sir. I always didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir. What I did say to Yossarian was--"

"Nobody asked you what you did say to Yossarian. We asked you what you didn't say to him. We're not at all interested in what you did say to Yossarian. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then we'll go on. What did you say to Yossarian?"

"I said to him, sir, that you couldn't find me guilty of the offense with which I am charged and still be faithful to the cause of..."

"Of what? You're mumbling."

"Stop mumbling."

"Yes, sir."

"And mumble 'sir' when you do."

"Metcalf, you bast---!"

"Yes, sir," mumbled Clevinger. "Of justice, sir. That you couldn't find--"

"Justice?" The colonel was astounded. "What is justice?"

"Justice, sir--"

"That's not what justice is," the colonel jeered. "That's what Karl Marx is. I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That's what justice is when we've all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight Billy Petrolle. From the hip. Get it?"

"No, sir."

"Don't sir me!"

"Yes, sir."

"And say 'sir' when you don't," ordered Major Metcalf.

FIGHT BREAKS OUT IN THE OFFICER'S CLUB!!!

We were all in the Officer's Club watching another game of Ping Pong between Appleby, a Ping Pong player with legendary skill and Orr. Appleby was beating Orr, by five points, although the game had just started, viciously smashing all of Orr's serves. The thing he didn't know was that Orr was pretty drunk after drinking his fill on gin. Orr threw his paddle with fury at Appleby's forehead, leaped up on the table, and landed with his feet crushing Appleby's face. Appleby got free of Orr's grip, but Orr prepared to deal a deathblow. Luckily, that Yossarian took Orr away, but Appleby threw an extremely hard punch at Yossarian. But something just delightful happened after that. That red Indian, Chief White Halfoat, grew so ecstatic, he joyfully swung at my god-awful son in law, Colonel Moodus, and broke open his nose. This had to be one of the best moments of my life because I have been waiting so long for something as great as this to happen. I was so grateful,I made that annoying Colonel Cathcart throw the Champlain out and had the Indian moved to Doc Daneeka's tent, so he would always be in the perfect condition to bust open my son in law's nose again. 

Written by General Dreedle

THE CATCH: CATCH-22

"Sure there's a catch. Catch-22. Anybody who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy."

The other day, I was talking  with my friend Doc Daneeka, who was having trouble with his wild roommate, Chief White Halfoat, about grounding crazy people. To start the discussion, I went crazy because I wanted to be grounded and away from the Air force, which somewhat annoyed Daneeka. When I tried to clarify if he could ground me for being crazy, which he surprisingly said that it was his obligation to do so. If a person kept on flying extremely dangerous missions, knowing the treacherous path ahead, he would be declared insane. People who kept on Puzzled, I asked if he could ground my eccentric roommate, Orr. Daneeka said that he could, but Orr had to ask him according to the rule of grounding. This flabbergasted me once again, so I asked if after the request to be grounded, Daneeka would proceed to grounding Orr. To this, Daneeka stated that he couldn't meaning that there was a catch. And soon enough he said that there was a catch: Catch-22, meaning that the situation they were in was unavoidable, because of a series of contradictory conditions. In this case, Orr was already crazy, but if he asked Doc Daneeka if he could, he would be declared sane because of the fact that Orr wanted to get away from danger and was aware of it therefore stating that he was sane. I am quite upset that it is unfeasible to be grounded, but one thing's for sure: "That's some catch, that Catch-22".

Written by Captain Yossarian

MYSTERIOUS CODE ALARMS MILITARY!!!

A very strange happening occurred in Rome. A call had came, and when I attended to it, I only heard one thing: "T.S. Elliot". When General Peckem asked me about the caller, I responded that the caller was unidentified, and said only, "T.S. Elliot". Puzzled, he wondered about the mysterious message. With a devious look, General Peckem told me to call General Dreedle without letting him know who is calling. When I handed the phone to Peckem, he abruptly says "T.S. Elliot" and hanging up. We promptly get back to our work, although aware of the phone. soon, we hear the phone. This time the general picks it up and unfortunately he announces that the mysterious person again said, "T.S. Elliot". We both are alarmed by this peculiar message. Peckem tried contacting Communications to check if "T.S. Elliot" was a new code or the colors of the day, but Communications reported that "T.S Elliot" was neither. I tried calling my good friend Ex-Private First Class Wintergreen of the Twenty-seventh Air Force to see if he knew anything about it, but he responded that "T.S. Elliot" was not in their records. Sadly, he stated that my conversation skills were too monotonous. General Peckem suspected General Dreedle because of the skeet shooting scandal he cause by making his men shoot skeet whenever they were available. All in all, we were not able to conclude the origin or meaning of the enigmatic code "T.S. Elliot", but keep your eyes or ears open for the code. Please report it to General Peckem or Dreedle.

Written by Colonel Cargill

COLONEL CATHCART RAISES MISSIONS!!!

Colonel Cathcart has raised the amount of missions needed to complete service from forty-five to fifty! It  truly is an outrage! Yossarian went over to me for some apparent reason, but when I told him that now he needed to complete 50 missions instead of 45, he exploded. Hopping mad, I tell you. But you know Cathcart: he always raises the amount of missions needed to complete service.

Written by Doc Daneeka

YOSSARIAN IN HOSPITAL!!!

After suffering from NEAR-JAUNDICE liver pain, Yossarian ends up in the hospital. Even the doctors are perplexed from Yossarian's condition since he feels the same amount of pain everyday. Despite the nurses who dislike him, Yossarian claims that his life in the hospital is quite comfortable: decent food that is brought to him, chilled drinks in the hot afternoon, and no disturbance. However, he states that he is forced to censor letter, which grows quite monotonous after time. Coming up with a brilliant idea of inventing games to entertain himself, he eliminates the text as if he were God, taking out all modifiers. At times he scratches out the whole text except the salutation, coming up with his own messages and identities like Washington Irving or Irving Washington, provoking the arrival of a Criminal Investigation Command (C.I.D) investigator in the disguise of a patient. Luckily, Yossarian has company like me, an artillery captain skilled at chess, a fighter pilot captain, another captain with malaria, a warrant officer, a soldier covered with plaster and gauze also known as the soldier in white, and finally a Texan, who turns out to be extremely annoying. Both Yossarian and I suspect the Texan for killing the soldier in white. Yossarian even says that a fire started, threatening to enter Yossarian's ward. The next day, a chaplain was sent to talk with the ward whom Yossarian chatted with about his life so far in the hospital. After the conversation, he told me about the nice chaplain. Unfortunately, several days later, our ward was cleared by the vexatious Texan, therefore ending Yossarian's and my stay in the hospital as well.

Written by Dunbar